Divorce Court
by Paper Bullet
Summary: Ichigo and Rukia have been divorced and re-married thirty two times. Quite frankly, the judges were tired of their faces. IchiRuki ONESHOT


**Divorce Court**

_Quite frankly, the judges were tired of seeing their faces._

Rukia stood in front of her respective podium, her face composed and calm. Her piercing, hard stare penetrated the judge a few meters in front of her. She wore a simple yellow sundress, very casual but nice-looking enough to be marked as suitable for court. Her raven-black hair hung down, framing her face in its usual fashion, a lone lock cutting across her face boldly. To her left, a few feet away, stood a boy in front of his own podium.

His hair was bright orange, unkempt and wild, while he wore his usual scowl; his eyebrows were slightly furrowed, as if in a permanent rut, and his lips curved down at the corners into a faint frown. He wore khaki pants with a white dress shirt tucked in, a brown-black belt through each pant loop securely. He stared forward as well, not paying any mind to his wife -- hopefully soon-to-be ex-wife.

A sigh erupted from the normally-stoic judge as he sat in his leather chair, higher up than anyone else in the courtroom. "Mrs. Kurosaki, Mr. Kurosaki, what a surprise it is to see you two here again," he said in a soothing, slightly acerbic tone. His face was calm, and his teal irises averted from the plaintiff to the defendant. His hair was so starkly white that someone would've thought he was a withering old man, had they not been able to see his young and handsome face. Judge Hitsugaya Toushiro, one of many judges who dealt with Karakura Town's divorces.

"With all due respect, _your Honor_, I'd like to be referred to as Miss Kuchiki, my maiden name." Rukia shot Ichigo a glare, and had she not been in court, she would've stuck her tongue out childishly.

"You are not divorced yet, Mrs. Kurosaki. Now, tell me what brings you here _this _time, Mrs. Kurosaki." Hitsugaya folded his hands together on top of his bench and stared into the eyes of Rukia, waiting. "After all thirty two times you've been here, you always have a unique reason. So tell me, what is it this time that has pitted you against your husband?"

Rukia took in a silent breath and released it before explaining. "That bastard," they had been here so many times, the judges never reprimanded them for language anymore, "threw away my Chappy the Rabbit gown!"

"It could have been an accident," the judge supplied.

"Before he ran it threw the shredder!" Rukia finished in a stern yell.

"The hell?!" Ichigo yelled, his first time speaking. "She wanted to wear it while we did it! She said it turned her on, and wouldn't take it off. I couldn't go through that every time we slept together!" He'd go crazy staring at that fucking rabbit every time he hit his release. In his eyes, it was practically bestiality.

Hitsugaya's eyes twitched in agitation. "_This _is your reason for divorce?! Denied!"

"You can't do that! Besides, I have witnesses," Rukia snapped. She nodded her head to her right, indicating the row of chairs.

Hitsugaya put a hand to his forehead. "Proceed." Why not let the freak show continue, if only for a little while longer?

A tall, black-haired man stood up and walked next to Rukia. His eyes were emotionless, and he spoke with precision and indifference. "Kurosaki, the boy, is not fit to be Rukia's wife."

"Mr. Kuchiki, you say this every time. Any evidence you'd like to supply to back up your opinion?"

Byakuya's eyes slightly narrowed. "You question my judgment?"

"Do you question mine?" Hitsugaya countered.

"Yes," he replied. "I fail to see how a mere child such as yourself could be deciding the fate of adults probably older than yourself."

"Watch it, Mr. Kuchiki. I will have you thrown out of this court."

"Uhm, thank you nii-sama, but I think I'll let Renji speak now..."

Renji stood up awkwardly. He didn't like picking sides -- Rukia and Ichigo were both his best friends. But Rukia had threatened him, and to be honest he was afraid to go to sleep if he had refused. A nervous cough came from his throat as he stood next to Rukia. "Ichigo's a dirty bastard who doesn't like Chappy, never does the dishes, frowns too much, is afraid of spiders, and...uh...crap..." He paused. "What else?" as whispered to Rukia.

"Leaves the toilet seat up, idiot!" she snapped in a whisper.

"Oh yeah," he droned, "leaves the seat up."

Hitsugaya seemed unamused. _Poor bastard. _"Thank you Mr. Abarai." His eyes focused on him. "You know, if you need a restraining order against someone..."

Renji's eyes lit up in hope, but Rukia crushed that light along with his toe. "AW FUCK! I mean... I'm good," he said before returning to his seat.

"Who else?" the judge asked, annoyed.

Rukia's eyes shifted to the side as her last testifying witness stood next to her. "Yeah... I just got paid to be here. Uhm. Uchiha's a dick."

"Ichigo!" Rukia yelled at the man.

"What?"

"His name is Ichigo!"

"Oh. Yeah. Him, too."

Ichigo cradled his stomach as he bent over, laughing his guts out. He pointed an accusing finger at Rukia. "You see this! She's an evil little midget who manipulates people! Hell, I bet she's manipulating you right now!" he told Hitsugaya.

He ignored that. "Mr. Kurosaki, any witnesses?"

"Yeah."

The man who had been paid to say Ichigo was a dick got up and walked to the other side of the courtroom, standing by Ichigo. "Rukia's a bitch."

"You can't testify for both parties, sir..." Hitsugaya knew where this was going, and mentally slapped himself for even intervening.

"I'll pay you twice what he did!" Rukia yelled.

"I'll triple what I'm paying you!" the orange-haired boy screamed, directly into the poor soul's ear.

"Quadruple!"

"Infinity! Ha, beat that!" Ichigo stuck a thumb in his ear and wiggled his fingers, sticking his tongue out at the girl.

"Damn." She clenched her fists tightly at the loss. "I'll won't buy a new Chappy gown if you give him back!"

Ichigo had to ponder this. "Never?"

"Never."

"Deal."

Rukia silently relished in her win while Hitsugaya refrained from bashing his head onto his desk multiple times.

"So if this is settled, why are you asking for a divorce?" He stared evenly at the two of them.

...

Rukia glanced over to Ichigo, her stare forgiving. He returned it. "We changed our minds."

"Yeah."

Toushiro sighed. "See you next week."

* * *

**Author's Note: **I must've been drunk when I wrote this. It's pretty random and stupid, but I imagine it's what their marriage would go like ;D

I know this wouldn't be anything close to how a court attendance goes. But for the sake of the oneshot, bare with it. -PB


End file.
